our national lampoon’s family vacation

for weeks, i obsessively planned our family road trip to florida. where would we stop on the way? (savannah.) where would we eat? (disney character dining!) where would we stay? (wherever hotwire led us for cheap.) how would we keep the kids from getting whiny and fidgeting? (portable dvd player.)

i researched touring plans, i checked disney crowd calendars, i scoured forums for tips, i talked to my mickey-loving friends, i booked and then cancelled four different dining reservations, not sure if any of them were quite right. i looked up whether the t-rex restaurant had any last-minute openings everyday for a week straight.

it was my big thing to look forward to. a real break from work, a family bonding time, unforgettable memories!

and boy, was it un.for.gettable.


  • the poop on the rest stop convenience store floor. the vomity looking yellow poop that exploded out of my toddler’s diaper and splattered all over my husband’s forearm and all over the freaking floor.
  • the three pairs of pants we had to throw out because they got poopified beyond repair.
  • the whining. the crying. the wails of “poopoo!!” that were false alarms, and the wails of “poopoo!” that were for real.
  • the day that my son stopped diarrheaing. it was also the day that my daughter started puking. hourly. countless times pulling over by the side of the road.
  • the sleepless nights. first because of our daughter’s puking. then because the toddler decided he didn’t want to sleep through the night anymore during this trip.
  • the time it was my turn to get the virus. i’ll spare you the details, but it wasn’t pretty. well…at least i’m potty trained. (tmi?)
  • taking the driving tour through savannah because it was too rainy to walk around. at least we got to stop for ice cream and glimpse the mercer williams house… where midnight in the garden of evil all went down!!
    mercer williams house in savannah
  • getting eaten alive by mosquitos in bonaventure cemetery. gross. it was a beautiful historic cemetery though.
  • the amazing cool time that we had meeting handy manny, special agent oso, little einsteins’ june, jake and neverland pirates and mickey. i mean, look at that boy’s face… he’s so excited that he looks hardly excited at all.
  • the wizarding world of harry potter. this place was every bit as amazing as all the potterheads make it sound. truly like stepping into hogsmeade. but the line for the forbidden journey was 120 minutes and i did not stand in it. my daughter and husband did and they say it was “awesome!!!!!!” we also got a chocolate frog and a stuffed hedwig.
    hogsmeade at the wizarding world of harry potter 
  • my son’s first real roller coaster ride in harry potter. he just turned 2, and he looks like a baby. when we got up to load onto the flight of the hippogriff, the attendant was like “there’s no way he’s tall enough.” so we measured him and sure enough, our gigantor baby was a couple inches above the height requirement. however i’m pretty sure we traumatized him because i didn’t realize how fast the ride was and how it really took some steep falls and quick turns and i heard him making some waily sounds. however, when we asked him if he had fun afterward, he nodded. #winning
  • my daughter fought a light saber battle with darth vader at the jedi training academy. nuff said.
    battling darth vader at the jedi training academy
  •  encountering florida’s coldest days from the entire winter. when we went to the parks, it was 50-60 degrees. granted, i will take that over the snow that fell back home, but we were a little unprepared for the gusty cold and had to restock our clothes at the wurrmurrt.
  • seeing alligators in the wild!!! we saw two gators in the ‘glades! see the one below?? see it??
    everglades alligator
  • staying in a decently nice super 8 motel on the way home. super 8, i underestimated thee.
  • finally getting warmth on the last couple days in florida. despite all the poop and vomit, i was sad for our vacation to end.
  • getting back home. we were all like… we are survivors!!!!

and that was our spring break. i’m pretty sure it doesn’t get better than this.

so when’s the next vacation?


4 thoughts on “our national lampoon’s family vacation

  1. This sounds epically miserable. And then, I get to the picture of your fearless girl having a light saber fight with Darth Vader, and I am like, “WINNING!!!!” It is all worth it for that right there.

  2. (Third time trying to leave a comment, this is what happens when you have so many wordpress.com accounts.)

    You illustrate perfectly why we haven’t taken a vacation yet (and I am the same way when it comes to planning…anything!). But I’m sure you’ll forget the puke and vomit …someday….and all you’ll remember is how much fun Quinn had meeting all those characters and seeing Eliana Star Wars it up. Dude, that was cool!

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