heartswell

the ebb and flow like waves it grows in ways i can’t ever tell
til one day the pause of a moment tells my mind that all is well, is swell
within my soul
well, hearts forget the reasons for getting smiles undeserved, unpreserved
glittering gifts of gratefulness, so beautiful for one blink
then washed and lost
hold tight, love. let go.
remember well, heart. memories swell. heartswell

rincon, pr

remember when i used to write crap like this all the time? short things, long things, activisty things, personal things… mostly everything angry. i competed in mini slams at the local barnes & noble a few times and won a couple gift cards. a man in the audience passed me a note after one particularly ranty piece: “why so angry??” and the woman in charge asked me if i would make it my poetry “home.” i said sure, and stopped coming out. i couldn’t be relied on for anything back then.

i performed a lot of times in college, and each time hitting the stage felt like baring my fears under a cloak of rage. sometimes i felt plain badass and sometimes i felt like crying. i’ll never forget the one time i did the same piece i always did, nobody paid attention, and herman came to give me a hug. i’ll always be grateful for that.

but i loved the power of spoken word. i hated the poetry taught in school. and then i realized, it was all really one and the same. an english professor encouraged me to study more traditional poetry and learn from convention, to fuse it with my voice. but the realization kind of shattered my enchantment with the whole thing.

and life got happy. when life got happy, i couldn’t write. mustering happy themes was impossible without sounding contrived and cliche. of course life isn’t happy all the time, but writing about work-related shenanigans or toddler tantrums just wouldn’t be the same.

yet here i am. feeling the need to obsess over a word and a feeling. there’s a lot of change in the air. and hope. my heart swells. and then i heard this song, and heard her say it stemmed from an obsession with the word royals, and that was just enough inspiration to put me over the edge.

maybe one day i’ll figure out how to write not angry and not suck.

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